Reality Check
by Hamstadini
Summary: Night of Passion? Not on your life! A rebuttal.


Disclaimer: I don't own any of the characters in this story, Gainax and Hideki Anno do. The only thing I own is my twisted sense of humor. In fact, my twisted sense of humor makes this story an insult to _Evangelion_ and its fans. Should any of the above persons want me to remove the story, I will gladly do so.

Background: Takes place during Seventh Angel training.

Reality Check by Nathan Yuen

Usually, Shinji felt that "sweating bullets" aptly described the automatic response that happens when he encounters an Angel. Or his father. Or Doctor Akagi. Or, come to think of it, any living thing above the evolutionary level of a prokaryote.

But as he lay in the futon the night before the battle with the Seventh Angel, he reflected that the figure of speech wasn't enough to describe his panic as Asuka Langely Soryu, the volcanic redhead, slipped under the covers with him. Now, he was sweating pallet shells.

_Ohshitohshitohshit!_ His mind rambled. _What do I do? She'll kill me if she wakes up like this! Why does she do this if she tells me to stay away from her?_

A smaller, more optimistic, and definitely more perverted voice piped up. _Maybe it's some Germanic form of a come-on._

Shinji paused, listening.

The voice pressed on, insistent. _Yes, you don't know with those foreign girls. They say one thing, and do another. All the while that she was insisting that you don't do anything, she was testing your… uh, resolve! That's it! She doesn't want you to give up on her!_

Shinji nodded, agreeing. _There is that idiom, "actions speak louder than words." Maybe this time she just needs some comfort._

The voice nodded eagerly. _And what better way to give comfort than in the futon?_

Shinji paused. _I suppose… it'd be all right to just touch her. I mean, _she_ was the one that snuck in here. It's practically an open invitation._ He eyed the mounds of flesh that curved salaciously out from her chest. _And besides, she couldn't mind it if I just touched her once._

His hand inched towards her, certain of its destination. It felt like hours that his hand traveled, but the tension melted away when he made contact.

He released a sigh of relief. "So soft…"

At those words, Asuka's eyes snapped open.

And as Shinji saw the building rage in her face, he knew he picked the wrong chest – er, choice.

_Well, it looks like my work is done here,_ the voice said with satisfaction, _good luck, kid!_ It skipped away, whistling "Whatever you want," intent on finding a good R/S fic to read.

Leaving Shinji alone to face the wrath of an irate redhead. _Oh, Shit with a capital S._

The sounds of suffering echoed throughout the Geofront.

"_Ecchi!"_

Snap.

"**_Hentai!!"_**

Crackle.

"_**BAKA!!!"**_

Pop.

* * *

"Broken clavicle, collapsed lung, punctured bile duct, ruptured spleen…" Ritsuko read off the litany of injuries.

Misato simply looked at the boy encased in a full body cast, whose limbs were suspended by wires, and shook her head. "Asuka, did you really have to do this to him?"

"Of course! That pervert was feeling up my young nubile body! Boys like him have been _killed_ for less!" Her voice was indignant, but her eyes shone triumphantly.

"Where, Cambodia? You just put one of your fellow pilots out of action!"

"Well, serves him right! If he can't keep his eyes on the mission because he needs to slake his insatiable lusts, then he shouldn't be piloting."

A mumble came from the mummified boy, and Ristuko leaned closer to him.

Asuka snorted. "I'm glad I broke his jaw – perverts like him shouldn't be flirting."

Ritsuko glanced back at Asuka. "He says that _you're_ the one that got into his futon."

"Oh, right. Now _he's_ the victim."

Meanwhile, quite a few floors up, Gendo Ikari and Kozo Fuyutsuki watched the scene on a monitor with an air of resigned trepidation. Gendo sighed. "Leave it to my son to grow a backbone at an inopportune time."

Standing behind him, Fuyutsuki observed "It appears to me that the pilot grew another type of bone, Ikari."

Gendo slipped off his glasses to pinch the bridge of his nose and close his eyes against the onset of a migraine. "While I appreciate the sentiment, Professor," he said after a time, "Now is not a moment for ribald humor."

"I am simply trying to find levity in a dire situation, Commander," Fuyutsuki replied. "Case in point: had Pilot Soryu relented to Pilot Ikari's advances instead of resisting them, both pilots would most likely be too exhausted to be proficient by the time of the battle. Moreover, the security team eavesdropping on the room during the pilot's…recreational activity would most likely be subjected to the most cliché and trite pillow talk this side of the Pacific Rim, thereby rendering several fatalities among Section-02."

"The losses would have been negligible," Gendo countered, "considering the gains made with the recordings. Playing them over the public service speakers would render the angel inert as they self-destruct from the shame of hearing such drivel. It would also have the added benefit of mortifying Pilot Ikari publicly."

"Indeed, a great loss," Fuyutsuki conceded dryly. "As it stands, what are our options?"

Gendo replaced his glasses and bridged his hands together. "Rei shall be assigned to work with Pilot Soryu for the remainder of the sync training. She shall also be designated to Unit-01 for the duration of Pilot Ikari's recovery. Barring any unforeseen…" His face soured at the next phrase, "yuri-related events, Rei should be able to pilot with an optimum synch ratio."

"I see." Fuyutsuki kept his head held high and his back ramrod straight at his next observation. "We're screwed, aren't we."

"Yes, we are."

END.

Author's Announcement: I believe I have actually breached protocol by insulting a popular pairing. Therefore, in accordance with the truce set down by Rei and Asuka fans alike, I am required to make apologies. I therefore apologize to all _Evangelion_ fans in general, A/S fans in particular, and I apologize to the author of… of…

:snerk:

BUAHAHAHAH!!!

_ (Damn it, Nate! You almost had it that time!) _

I'm sorry… I just can't help it… hehehehe. All right, let's try that again. I apologize to the author of Night of – BUAHAHAHAH!!!!

_ (:Sigh: All right, people… take a break until Mr. Yuen here calms down.) _

….

…Hoo. All right, I'm all laughed out. I truly am sorry, people, for subjecting you to such drivel. But while I was posting up Whatever You Want, I saw _that_ lemon, it's title and it's summary, and it was fruit ripe to be plucked, begging to be parodied. And so the idea bounced around in my head till four in the morning, when I finally relented and wrote it down. And then, of course, I had to post it.

I mean, come on. A lemon that takes place during the seventh Angel attack? How out of character do Asuka and Shinji need to be in order for _that_ to happen?

In any case, apologies to all the people that takes an A/S pairing seriously. No harm was intended, just a few laughs. You guys can direct all flames toward me. Heck, write an R/S parody if you want to. Though the advantage to being an R/S fan, is that it's very hard to mock.

:Salutes:

Till later, then.


End file.
